I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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