I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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