my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
