my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Barsexuality is the new black.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize