Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
