someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
