You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize