yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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