My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
