Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
