If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize