I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
