I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
