Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
