White coat. Heels.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
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