so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
