this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize