saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
