Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Randomize
