If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You may now shotgun with the bride
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
