Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
