We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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