i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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