i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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