Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
