Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
