Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
