looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
