can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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