What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
