so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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