you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
