my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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