Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
