omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I've blown a few things in my day
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
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