i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
