went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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