If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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