so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize