mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
