i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
