Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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