Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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