No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
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