hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
