is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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