Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
