I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize