Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
