you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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