The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
