Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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