Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
