he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
