420 ftw
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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