i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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