That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
That accounts for only three of the penises
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
