he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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