I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
well you can't waste a boner
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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