I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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