life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
